By Lucy

Time to start this Keto nonsense.

I sound so enthusiastic, don’t I?

Dieting is interesting to me. I always tell people it’s pure luck I didn’t end up with an eating disorder. My mother had an unhealthy relationship with food; she dieted off and on, although to be clear, she was some definition of overweight and not anorexic. She bought tabloids and pointed out all the celebrities who’d put on weight. She watched diet shows, like The Biggest Loser, religiously. She loved watching Super Size Me (which has not aged well, both in terms of science and because of Spurlock’s reputation) and some weird diet show with some strange woman who insisted on giving everyone on the show a colonic and showing them the results. She obsessed over what I ate and controlled it to a degree beyond a caring parent. She bought me clothes in sized medium or large when I was an extra small and told me she was just preparing for when I was fat like her. She also told me that getting pregnant with me was the reason she was fat, as if I had held a gun to her head and made her eat cake.

There’s a lot of interesting studies into the way dieting is connected to some primal feeling of being “tainted” and an instinct to “purify” yourself. Some masochistic itch it scratches. I think everyone who diets should be aware of that, so you can analyze the way it is directing your feelings. I won’t deny there is a spiritual aspect to my own decision to try Keto, a feeling I have overindulged and need to be purified. It also feels like a way of gaining some control when my life has rapidly changed compared to a year or even six months ago. But I refuse to let chronic dieting be a habit. If I do the Keto diet and don’t lose the weight, or lose it and gain it right back, I’ll just make my peace with being 137 pounds for the rest of my life.

[Note about Super Size Me, if that’s new information for you. Yes, a lot of that was bunk. Morgan Spurlock neglected to include that he was a rabid vegan who really just didn’t like the fact fast food is closely tied to meat consumption. He was an alcoholic, which vastly skews the interpretation of his results at the end. He claims that he ate 5’000 calories a day, but if you sit down with a Macdonald’s menu and try to do that math, it’s actually hard to hit 5’000 calories even at Mickey D’s. His then-girlfriend was conveniently selling a book about how to lose weight and be vegan. And last but not least, the movie is really rude in the way it assumes you somehow don’t know that the cheeseburger, fries and large milkshake are unhealthy for you. If you’d like to watch a decent rebuttal, I recommend “Fat Head” by Tom Naughton.]

I decided to spend Friday night at my place. It was a difficult decision, when we were staring down the barrel of him being gone for 2 weeks, but I needed time to myself again. I am neither an introvert nor an extrovert. I need socialization every day, but I also need time alone to process.

My packages had arrived. More Xylimelts. My MCT oil, which some people recommend for keto. You don’t need it, but the idea is that if you’re having a hard time hitting your fat ratio for the day, or if you’re just feeling a little peckish, a tablespoon of MCT should sort you right out.

I had also finally pulled the trigger and got myself a cold brew bottle. I’d been hemming and hawing over it for a while, but I decided it was a good idea. Both because my fridge space is too limited for a conventional jug, but also because it could be easily brought along to the Vagabond’s place. I went with the Hario bottle, and it is good quality – easy to clean, a decent volume, and the filter comes out easily. My only concern is that I grab it from the top to remove it from the bottom of the fridge door, and I’m always worried it will pop off and fall.

In the afternoon, I went grocery shopping.

For grocery shopping, keto is pretty simple. Check the nutrition facts; if it says carbs, don’t buy it. Vegetables are harder, because some veggies and most fruit are not keto – even the healthy sugar in fruit is a no-no.

I grabbed some cottage cheese, zucchini, a carton of eggs, and some cream. I had ordered some premium green tea to go with my shiny new cold brew bottle, but it wouldn’t be here for a week, so I grabbed some store brand to make in the meantime. The only impulse buy was some locally made cheese curds that were on sale!

Sweetener is difficult. I don’t use a lot, but I do drink a lot of tea. I stopped by the sweeteners to grab some Splenda. One of the few things I’d miss would be my buckwheat honey.

Now, there’s regular Splenda and Splenda keto, which threw me for a loop. Shouldn’t all Splenda be keto? No, apparently regular Splenda has a small amount of sugar in it. What a scam, marked up just to remove the little bit of sugar in it for no reason!

The two things I couldn’t find were a log of bologna, and peameal bacon. Since peameal bacon is also known as “Canadian bacon”, that was quite a disconcerting absence!

The Vagabond mentioned Eli likes the logs of bologna, so I texted him to ask where it might be found. In case you’re wondering, the reason to buy a log of bologna and not pre-sliced is to cut it into thick “steaks” and fry it in a pan, like Spam or Klik. My dad always called it “Newfie steaks”, but I guess around here, it’s called “Indian steaks”. Racism rolls ever on. Eli was more than happy to oblige and gave me a list of stores that sell it, which brands they have, and which ones he personally prefers.

Well, I needed toothpaste and a few other things from the drug store, so I walked down to Shoppers. There’s lots of cool things within walking distance of my place – I should drag Hanuman out with me more often.

I was blessed to find a new version of my toothpaste for dry mouth. After I bought my Xylimelts, c’est la vie. I grabbed a bottle of potassium supplements, because I’m unsure how much potassium my new diet will provide me. Since I’m missing my colon, I don’t absorb sodium or potassium like I should, and I can get electrolyte disturbances really easily.

Next, to the Great Canadian Superstore for bologna and perhaps bacon.

No luck on the bacon, but I secured my log of bologna.

As I started walking back home, I ran into Hanuman, out on a grocery shop himself. Since I doubted my tube of processed meat-like substance would spoil quickly, I digressed to accompany him on his shop for some socialization that wasn’t my boyfriend.

Went to bed too early, got up way too early. Breakfast of eggs and fried zucchini like usual.

First time trying this Splenda stuff. There’s no weird aftertaste, which is good, although it takes about twice as much to notice it in my tea, compared to sugar, so the little pot is not going to last very long.

About two hours after I finished breakfast, I noticed my hands were shaking.

Wait, I can’t be in ketosis already, can I?

I did a urine test for ketones. Just 5, barely anything, but not nothing. I haven’t been eating a lot of carbs the last week – more than once, the Vagabond has made dinner with just vegetables and meat, no starches – and food moves through me quick. Maybe I’ll switch into full ketosis quickly.

I did a quick search anyway. Potassium and magnesium were floated as possible causes.

Well, I did anticipate half of that and bought potassium supplements. The magnesium I forgot about. I was on a magnesium supplement once, and the doctor said my levels were fine, so I stopped. But they could have dipped. I popped a potassium supplement, just in case. Not like you can OD on them, and with the heat and the sun I’d be sweating a lot today. I also took a tablespoon of MCT oil, which goes down like how you’d expect a tablespoon of colourless, flavourless, odorless oil does. I’ve had nastier stuff for colonoscopy prep.

I suppose the other culprit could be “low blood sugar”, which is ironically the point of this whole malarkey.

I dunno. I didn’t expect it to hit me this fast.

Within half an hour of the potassium supplement, the shakes went away. Curious. Placebo? It’s not like I’ve done a lot different beyond not put sugar in my tea.

I made my first batch of cold brew green tea too strong. No amount of Splenda could cut the bitter, but I gratefully sucked it back anyway, because it was cold and my room was sweltering.

Getting dressed to go out was difficult. All my good “hot weather clothes” were still dirty from the past week. I dove under my bed and found some clothes I hadn’t unpacked yet. I settled on my stripey leggings, some shorts, and an off-the-shoulder top. No matter how I dressed today, I’d always look way too young for the Vagabond. The leggings looked good with my stompy motorcycle boots.

I was the first one to breakfast. Emily’s bus was cancelled three times, although her and Hanuman showed up shortly after 10. The Vagabond showed up slightly before them, looking somewhat nervous. He’s like me, quiet in new situations, so he mostly watched us chat. With Hanuman cracking immature jokes and puns, it was really like he was the dad watching three rowdy kids!

I panicked a bit looking at the menu. Carbs, carbs, carbs…

Omelets!

I got the ham and cheese omelet. I declined toast, but they brought me a side of homefries anyway. Do they always offer two starches with an omelet?!

I didn’t tell anyone I was starting this diet, and I didn’t want to start explaining it over breakfast. I was debating not telling the Vagabond at all, but, well… that is a lie by omission, no? He did notice I didn’t eat any of the potatoes, which isn’t the strangest thing – I often struggle to finish my meal, or ignore the fries with my meal entirely when I know the main will be more than enough. But I think his sharp eyes detected that something was off, somehow.

The Vagabond hemmed and hawed over going to Fort William with us, but Hanuman convinced him.

Since the Vagabond took the bike, the three of us walked over to my place to grab my car. I ducked in to pour the rest of my green tea into my water bottle. We met at the fort.

I was thirsty! That’s something else they note as a side effect. It is hot and sunny out as well, but I’ve worked full time in the sun as a carpenter and not been this thirsty!

The walk around the Fort was fun. They’re doing “the Great Rendezvous”, when the voyageurs made the journey from Montreal to drop off supplies and gather all the furs and other treasures to take back to Europe. The journey took many months and so was only done once a year. There was lots of “travelling craftsmen” there – in particular, we stopped to talk for several minutes with a couple who’ve made the journey from Wisconsin with their handmade birch bark canoe every year for thirty years.

It was doubly interesting to see what the Vagabond was drawn to. He said the part of the tour he was most looking forward to was the gunsmith, not the carpenter. He did have a few good comments about the carpentry tools – he mentioned his father had had a set of all the old hand tools and thought you should be forced to work with them first, before using electric. I agreed with that, although he gave me a bit of side-eye for it. What? So maybe I’m not strong enough to use a brace and bits to drill through a piece of wood, the important part is that I would be willing to practice until I could!!

The carpenter was sadly not in today.

Had another temptation when we got to the kitchen. They were offering samples of bread, made as it would have been in 1815 (yes, they really fire up the wood stove and mix the bread dough there). I know what it would have tasted like, and honestly a piece of bread the size of my thumb probably wouldn’t put me over my carb count for the day, but I’ve decided to embrace the spiritual aspect of this diet. No impurities! If not eating the potatoes hadn’t set off the Vagabond detecting something was up, declining the bread definitely would have, because it was outside of my normal behavior of trying everything.

At one point him and Hanuman found a hand pump that brought up clean, cold water. The Vagabond splashed some water on his face to cool down, and Hanuman grabbed some water with his hands to flick it at me (Emily had wisely moved beyond range). The Vagabond got a wicked grin on his face, cupped both hands under the water, and tried to drench me! I ran away shrieking with laughter, but I almost pretended to get caught. I love it when he drops the dignified mask and acts adorkable!

All in all, I always love going to the fort and recommend it to anyone travelling through Thunder Bay. The employees are 110% committed to pretending it is 1815, and my retirement plan (such that it is) is to be the full time carpenter in the shop.

Sadly, Emily had to get back to start her shift, so we missed the Grand Arrival. We saw the canoes coming as we walked back and heard the cannons firing from the parking lot.

As we said goodbye by the bike, he smiled. “Not bad for looks today. Mostly aimed at you, for robbing the grave.”

Yeah, I’d noticed and somewhat anticipated that. The old biker with a PYT almost seems like a requirement, so most guys, young or old, barely cast us a second glance. It’s the women his age shooting daggers at me with their eyes, for using my youthful wiles to snag an eligible silver bachelor.

My landlord was outside when I got back and there was a nice sea breeze coming off the lake, so I stayed to talk for a bit. It was so hot and hazy you could barely see the Sleeping Giant in the distance! When it finally breaks, it’ll be one heck of a thunderstorm!

I had some more cottage cheese when I got in, because it was too early for dinner, but I found I wasn’t really hungry. I felt hollow in a way that’s hard to define. I know some people talk about carb cravings, but I don’t yet find myself craving carbs, unless that’s the hollow feeling. I don’t eat a lot to begin with; I don’t usually eat candy, pasta or bread, unless I’m at the Vagabond’s place and he serves them. The Splenda still wasn’t really sweetening my tea, but I was kinda getting used to my tea tasting unsweetened.

For dinner I had the other half of the zucchini and some fried bologna. I actually felt a thrill as I realized I could eat all the fried bologna I wanted! This wasn’t so hard after all. The only real problem is that there is no cheating – any carbs over 50 grams risks throwing you out of ketosis, which means another 4-7 days to get back into it, a lot to risk for a slice of cake.

I was feeling what they call “the Keto flu”, sort of foggy. I was glad that today was so hot and that our plans were relaxed – any slowness on my part would simply be attributed to the heat.

All in all, a good start!

The heat finally boiled over into an intense thunderstorm later that afternoon, before I headed back to the Vagabond’s for our last night before he left.

He offered me some wine, but I declined. You can drink on keto, some dry wines are acceptable, or unflavoured vodka in a sugar-free cocktail. I thought I should give my liver a rest, and also it fits with the spiritual purity thing. No alcohol, carbs, or sugar, and I shall emerge enlightened.

In the evening, we curled up on the couch. He always asks me to pick a movie, but usually he falls asleep during it, or talks through it, or generally just acts like it is background noise. He surprised me, first with “The Island”, and then with tonight’s choice, Real Steel, by seriously watching them. It was especially fun because he knows I want to box and he knows how to kickbox, so we analyzed the boxing in the movie.

Towards the end of the movie, there’s a part where the kid screams, “I just wanted you to fight for me!”. I guess there was some sort of look on my face, because he asked me why it bothered me.

Well, cuz I want someone to fight for me. Duh.

I couldn’t sleep that night. Alcohol withdrawal, or the keto flu – sometimes you can’t sleep when adjusting to keto. My right hand kept cramping and spasming.

I tried to lay still and pretend to go to sleep so he’d go to sleep as well, but he was having none of it. He wrapped me up in his arms.

A flash storm rolled in, lightning brightening the room and thunder booming every few minutes. There was no accompanying pitter-patter of rain for at least half an hour. The thunderbirds visiting again.

Eventually sleep found me.

He surprised me in the morning by asking me out to breakfast. He never wants to go for breakfast, or sit with me in the kitchen when I make my own. What changed? Coming out for breakfast with Hanuman and Emily? My statement last night? Staring down two weeks without me?

I felt kind of bad for being on my diet. Making my Keto breakfast and eating it by myself in the kitchen while he watches Youtube on the couch is one thing. Going out to breakfast with him is another, when he will surely notice a pattern in what I am and am not eating. And I do feel bad for not being able to fully enjoy myself. I’d love nothing more than to order some delicious waffles covered in some ridiculously sweet toppings, while he frowns and tells me it isn’t very healthy.

I should tell him about the diet.

I can’t. He’ll disapprove. He’ll tell me I’m fine just the way I am.

We went out for breakfast anyway. I ordered another omelet. I really wanted to order a couple of eggs and some sausages, but every one of those meals came with toast and potatoes, which I’d have to decline. There was only sugar at the table, and I didn’t want to risk asking for Splenda. Surely half a teaspoon of sugar wouldn’t break my ketosis. Sugar is super sweet now, easily noticeable.

I declined toast. The waitress tried to argue with me when I told her I didn’t want fruit on the side either. She brought me a plate with fruit on it anyway. Sigh.

He always has an apple for breakfast, and often skips lunch. Today, he ordered a plate of fruit, two eggs, and some yogurt with granola. He also ate the fruit off my plate, when it was clear I wasn’t going to touch it.

“That Hanuman guy, he’s really smart, huh? You ever learn anything from him?” He asks.

My mouth twitches as I think about how to answer. I think of every time Hanuman has instructed me to be sweet to the Vagabond, when I wanted to be angry.

There’s a fable called the Tiger’s Whisker that I loved as a child. Of course, it’s always dangerous to learn that if you just love someone enough, they’ll change. There’s lots of people who just can’t or won’t. But this was one of those times. The Vagabond is changing before my eyes. I wonder if he notices it.

“Yes.” I say simply, smiling.

“I’ll let you treat me to breakfast.” He winks.

I smile wider. He never lets me pay!

We go back to his place for a bit. But there’s nothing to do. And I don’t want to start a serious conversation with so little time before he leaves. So I leave quickly. As I head out, he tells me again to buy some shoes.

My sneakers annoy him. They aren’t even that ratty, but the back where my heel touches them is all worn away. Every once in a while I glue some fluff and felt on them, to protect my heel. You can’t tell when I’m wearing them!

“Why do you do that to yourself? It’s like last year at Dryden, you only had those grey work pants on, even after work.”

“I don’t think you understand how desperately broke I am.” I say, crossing my arms over my chest. “Those were literally the only pants I owned. I don’t need regular clothes after work, but I do need work clothes at work! That single pair of jeans are currently the only other pair of pants I own!”

“I can buy you some sneakers.”

I don’t want a boyfriend to buy me shoes. I want a job that pays me enough that I can buy my own shoes. It wouldn’t even be that bad, except He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named’s dog ate my handmade German leather shoes and they are 150 a pop. He promised to pay me back, but never did.

There’s also a little pride, or something. When I told one of my friends in Toronto about the Vagabond, they exclaimed “oh, you have a sugar daddy!” As we all know, I’m not above selling myself, but this… isn’t that. I don’t want to feel kept.

“I’ll buy myself sneakers.” I say.

When I get home, I look on Reiker’s website for some shoes I like, and order them.

I love the bright red colour! I also like the way the details on the side looks like stitches in flesh, because I have weird fascinations.

It was ungodly hot at my place. Every door and window was flung open, and there were fans running full blast every ten feet. The previous night’s thunderstorms had merely added humidity without breaking the heat dome at all. Larry was wilting across his bed – he has my old room, with the mid-afternoon sun, and as expected it was merciless.

It was impossible to sleep. Alcohol withdrawal, keto flu, and now this unrelenting smothering heat. I tossed and turned for hours.

Finally I made myself get up.

Mornings are worse on Keto. On a good day my food runs through me like I got food poisoning from Taco Bell. Without starch to somewhat slow my digestion, my Keto diet has been running through me like nothing and I’m past empty by the time the morning comes. I blink away black dots and make plans for how to fall so I don’t whack my head on the stove if I pass out. Some people say Keto constipates them, and I can’t wait for that.

Out for a walk. I had some sort of mental plan to loop Boulevard twice, but I was dying of hunger by the time I finished the first loop, so I went home. Part of the problem I’m having with Keto is that everything has to be cooked from scratch, and by the time I’m hungry it’s too late. MCT oil bridges the gap a bit.

They have the inflatable playset out on Boulevard lake finally. I wonder if it’s worth going swimming here. I wonder if adults can use it.

The pavement was littered with these little white moths, dead or stunned. I amused myself by thinking that they look exactly like the redesign for Gibdoes in Tears of the Kingdom, as they are moths and turn white when stunned by sunlight.

I make myself a snack and head out to do laundry. I could have done my laundry at the Vagabond’s place, but his basement is becoming lousy with spiders. I’ve decided I’d rather pay 14 dollars to do my laundry at the laundromat than face giant spiders and/or ask him for help.

I went shopping again. Trial and error. I was craving some kind of fruit, and grapefruit is allowed. I didn’t feel like cottage cheese again, so I went for yogurt. Siggi’s is quite low on sugar, even their flavoured brands, but I grabbed the unflavoured stuff anyway. I also grabbed a spaghetti squash.

If you’re not familiar, spaghetti squash is the best squash, and I say that as someone who eats zucchini daily. Roasted in the oven for half an hour, the flesh falls into these spaghetti-like strands with no effort. It can be good even when you aren’t on a diet, because you can add any kind of pasta or other sauce to them, instead of trying to spiralize a zucchini. Personally I prefer adding a little olive oil or butter and a sprinkle of salt, and pairing it with a meat that’s a little more flavourful. That night, I just had salmon steaks. Salmon can be good with sauce but I also think it tastes excellent on its own, when it’s been in the oven for a bit, and it’s flaky and giving up its juices. This was some nice fatty salmon and I mopped up the bits of salmon fat with the squash!

Honestly, who needs carbs?

I also grabbed a bottle of lemon juice. I didn’t want to drink too much green tea – and it takes, like, 8 hours to cold brew – and I was getting bored of water, sad to say. Lemon is also keto, so a little bit of lemon juice and some Splenda in my water and I had lemonade! When life says “no carbs”…

It rained all day Monday, so Monday night it was finally cool enough for a good night’s sleep, and I slept like the dead!

The next day, me, Hanuman and Emily went swimming. You can tell me and Hanuman are soft southerners because every body of water is far too cold to swim in. We went up to Kakabeka to swim in the Kam river. I was hoping it would be warmer because it is shallow – it was not. The river also runs quite swiftly. There is an area marked off as safe to swim, but even within the flags, there was some strong current. Be careful.

We also got lost on the way. Too clever by half! I didn’t realize there is a road under the bridge, so I was driving around the north side of Kakabeka for-ever, trying to find the elusive road that led to the beach!

Afterwards, they wanted to stop for ice cream. I don’t like ice cream on the best of days, so I was ok with stopping for them and getting nothing for myself. But I noticed they had “NSA” ice cream, no sugar added, which Google assured me was Keto, so I had a scoop. It tasted alright – I got Chapman’s Maple Walnut, which tasted more like coffee to me, but then I love coffee yogurt.

After dropping Emily and Hanuman off, I went shopping again. I needed shelf-stable snacks for our hike on Wednesday. This was my bounty;

The “Love Good Fats” bars I know and somewhat enjoy already. Someone bought them to work thinking they were a granola bar, but they very much are not. I’d almost describe them as a dessert bar – they have a very soft texture, presumably from all the fat! They’re too expensive to justify buying most of the time, but this is the time I aught to – they’re good for keto.

The KetoNut Peppermint Buttons I tried first, which was a mistake because they tasted the strongest and coated my tongue. They taste alright, if you have a craving for some sort of chocolate they will definitely scratch that itch! I thought I detected that slightly off “not sugar” taste, but it wasn’t enough to put me off them.

The Hippie Snack Cauliflower Crisps were crunchy, which was good! I was hoping for more of a salty chip taste, but there wasn’t any saltiness I could detect. The flavour was good once my mouth adjusted to the disappointment.

Last was Organika Fav Keto Mini Cookies. These were good depending on how you usually like chocolate chip cookies. They were crumbley, soft, melt in your mouth cookies and they did taste quite like a regular chocolate chip cookie.

I was adjusting to the keto diet finally. Whatever I was craving before has flipped inside out, and now whenever I’m hungry I want the greasiest thing I can think of. I feel pretty awake and energized now that I can finally sleep again. Reddit says not to worry about checking your ketones and just focus on how you feel and avoiding carbs, but I do. I’m unsure how my colectomy will affect my body’s response to this diet. I dropped five pounds right away from my water weight, but I’m not dehydrated. Honestly, I’ve never been better hydrated!

Onto the Sleeping Giant!