By Lucy

I hate all of this stuff. The arbitrary change from one calendar year to another means nothing, it’s just a way humans have decided to measure time. But Ti posted in the group chat that she wanted to do some New Years meditation stuff – it is also a new moon, after all. Sure, why not.

She started by asking us to mentally “review” the year, month by month, which immediately set off a round of anxiety as I realized that it was, in fact, less than 3 months until I head back to Canada and have to deal with everything I left behind.

Focus, Lucy.

January 2024 was mostly waiting. I had sold all my furniture, packed up most of what I wanted to take and left it in a storage locker in Thunder Bay, and I spent the better part of the month in an almost empty room with just my desk, PC and bed.

February I was in England and there’s a whole section on this blog detailing it.

March was settling in Thunder Bay.

April was work.

May was also work, but it was dominated by May 17th; when me and the Vagabond got back together.

June was Regina.

July was travelling; in the space of 4 weeks me and the Vagabond went on two motorcycle tours. It was amazing and terrifying.

August was heartbreak, because of the break up and the looming departure for New Zealand, but also connection, as I met Paul and Kevin and Jeremy and Chris.

September was adjusting to New Zealand and the bike.

I struggle to differentiate October and November. They were spent at the estate, learning about myself, the bike, and getting tattoos.

And December… leaving the estate and going to Glenorchy.

Kam starts crying right away, I notice. I decide someone important to her must have died early in the year.

“Biggest challenge of the year?”

On paper, lots. I moved, went to England for a month, went on another trip, went to another country. But I don’t really view any of those as challenges because failure wasn’t an option. I decided to do them, and then I figured out how. It’s hard to say which one is the “biggest”.

I think the biggest challenge is just deciding to get out of bed every morning.

“Favourite moment.”

May 17th. The moment when the Vagabond offered me wine and asked me what I wanted for dinner, because then I knew despite the arguing and the sore feelings, I had worn him down and I was staying the night.

Or, when I got back from Regina in the middle of the night, having driven 15 hours and collapsed in his arms from exhaustion, and he asked me to go on vacation with him.

“How does this make you feel? How can you experience more moments that feel like this?”

That’s the crux of the issue, isn’t it? My favourite moments were built with the co-operation of a man with the emotional fortitude of a biscuit in milk.

The truth is, it’s like a repeat of Josh all over again. And people even people who know me well might tilt their head. I got married and tried to have kids with two separate men, but Josh was always the end goal. I always wanted kids and he wouldn’t give me any, so I went off to find someone who would, but Josh was always my one true love and I’d have dropped anything and everything if he ever wanted me in return.

So history is repeating in that sense, which probably makes me sound like I have erotomania or I’m in love with being in love, but that’s not quite it. I just feel hollow; I can travel or work or ride my bike, but they’re all just me trying to distract myself from the ticking of the clock. That’s where the suicidality comes back in.

And honestly, anyone could fill that void. A child would have done so, if only I could have had one. A friend would too. I wouldn’t even mind just being really good friends with the Vagabond, but I laugh every time he suggests it, because he has no genuine interest in being my friend. He’s just afraid of commitment.

Or Rich. I refused to move to England, but anything else I could have given him I would have. I would have moved heaven and Earth to get him to Canada if he wanted it. But I think he was never quite 100% committed and I sensed that, even if I didn’t want to admit it.

So, I suppose the truth is that my longing for the Vagabond is actually a very distorted longing for a purpose in life, some reason to get out of bed every day. Something to hope for tomorrow.

Ironically, when I had it all planned out – college, job, family – I felt more stressed than I do now. Now I have less structure and goals, but I don’t feel more adrift. Finding direction in being directionless.

“Visualize 7 area of your life”

1 – Financial.

Easy, I want to end 2025 with all my debt gone. Which currently stands at roughly 12’000$, although 4’000 of that is James’ and it will be gone by the end of April, one way or another. In 2024 I was focused on trying to do stuff because I put off a lot of plans rationalizing that I shouldn’t do them while i had debt, but I had debt this year and I travelled and it was fine. So I was correct, but it was stressful.

2 – Career

Who knows. I wouldn’t consider carpentry my career; as it currently stands, it’s entirely possible that the only carpentry I will do next year is three months of scaffolding. Can my career be travelling? Or just work in general?

3 – Recreation

Do I even have recreation? Almost every area of my life that I do for fun has been monetized. I intend to continue travelling, playing video games and sailing for fun.

4 – Wellness

This one made me laugh out loud and also hope no one asked me for my answer, cuz some of us had been musing out loud our answers before asking the rest. The rest offered generic answers; Ti is promising to quit smoking again, Kam is promising not to be so mad at her body even though she takes weight loss supplements and uses the exercise bike like she’s punishing it. I get to have at least 2 surgeries and one biopsy, plus the scope I didn’t have last year.

5 – Relationships

Ti immediately asked all of us what our celebrity crushes are. Kam’s was Taz Skylar, Eric’s is Cameron Brinks (and good on him for watching Women’s Basketball). Everyone’s guessed that mine is Hugh Laurie cuz I watch House all the time, but House reminds me far too much of my dad for that to be an option. I almost said Tom Hardy, but I decided Norman Reedus… except everyone had moved on by the time I decided, so no one heard my answer. Probably just as well.

Relationships… I don’t know, I think my generic answer of choice will be focusing on my friendships. I learned a lot in 2024 about how people view me. I also had to find a whole new friend group after I left the town I was born and raised in for 20 odd years.

I wish I had travel buddies. Quite a few people here have friends travelling around New Zealand popping in as well. I’m gonna go back to Canada after spending 6 months in another country and have made 0 friends there.

6 – Personal life: Goals, boundaries, habits and values.

Top 3 goals for the year:

1 Be debt free by any means possible

2 Get back together with the Vagabond OR go back to New Zealand for my second year.

3 Get my health sorted

I think my boundaries and habits are fine.

Values. That one I would have rolled my eyes at before, and indeed I did sort of laugh when Chris said he thought I had ‘good’ values. But the more I think about it, the less kitschy it seems. After all, my decision to starve myself for 2 days when I got to Glenorchy was my own dumb decision, but it apparently never occurred to anyone to see if I was alright, whereas if I noticed a new person doing the same I would find it impossible not to check on them. I think what triggered it for Chris was when I mentioned that I used to look after Bob even when I had no obligation to and he’s probably right. Most people wouldn’t.

• Audacity
• Determination
• Growth
• Loyalty
• Service

So I literally just went to a list of 50 different “values” and deleted them until I found five that seemed right. Actually, audacity was my own contribution; there were others on the list like “boldness” and “authenticity”, but I decided that audacity encompasses all of those and sounds the most like me.

Determination has been big for me since I played Undertale. Partially because they use it in every other sentence. It means the same thing to me as Sisu – never giving up, no matter what.

Growth… I almost left this one out. It seems mind-numbingly obvious, but then I remember some people are content to work the same dead-end job and stay with the first woman they knocked up/ first man who knocked them up. I never want to be content because I’m on an easy path.

Loyalty is an odd duck. I don’t think the concern is loyalty in me; I think, I need and want loyalty from others. People like Jeremy, Paul and Andrej are loyal to me, while people like Rich and Winter, who should have been, weren’t. I was distracted looking for where I thought loyalty should come from, instead of where it was coming from. I cherish those people more now that I recognize the difference.

Service; Chris helped me recognize this one. Like when “love languages” was a big thing despite psychologists saying it doesn’t actually exist. I don’t think anyone would have ever called me materialistic, but this year helped me realize how little I value money. I like volunteering; I don’t mind working as long as I have food and a roof over my head. I mean, I really enjoy working; I’d rather be out doing something than flaked on the couch watching Youtube. It’s something I share with my dad, but rather than his toxic workaholism, I’m trying to make it something positive.

7 – Community

This is the one I’d rather answer than relationships.

Did you know, for the longest time I didn’t think Brandon was my friend? I thought he was my ex-husband’s friend, because my ex was a gamer and I was not. I just liked playing video games and watching Yahtzee. It wasn’t until me and my ex broke up and I was confused that Brandon kept messaging me. “I thought you’d be on Brian’s side, cuz you were his friend.” I told Brandon.

“Lucy, I was never Brian’s friend. Brian never messaged me or invited me over.”

“But you’re both gamers and I’m not.”

“How are you not a gamer?”

“I just play games. I don’t stream or watch streams, I don’t order video game magazines, I don’t know all the latest games…”

My voice died away.

My mother did this to me. I remember that I kept trying to put myself in fashion class and she kept taking me out, because I “wasn’t interested in fashion”. I didn’t order magazines, ask to go to shows or the mall, etc etc. So she decided I wasn’t interested in fashion. I had to prove it to her. I waited until I was 16 and she couldn’t change my classes anymore, and I put myself in fashion. I used the sewing machine all the time. I drew pictures of clothes. Finally she saw it. She bought a sewing machine so she could join me, “mother-daughter” stuff, but the wound was too deep. I wanted this ages ago and you denied me because of some pre-conceived notion.

So the last few years have been trying to find community. Trying to stop telling myself I don’t belong because I don’t “want it enough”. Biker, traveller, artist, sailor… I’m slowly finding a sense of community. Let’s keep working for it.

“What are you proud of for 2024?”

“I accomplished a lot in 2024.” I muse aloud. “More than the previous 7 combined.”

“Sounds like you had a good year, then.” Ti says.

I don’t view it as a plus; I view it as a personal failing. I should have tried to get into bikes sooner. I should have gotten tattoos sooner. I view all of this as catch-up, wasted years of time. I should have spread all of this years’ accomplishments over many. Then maybe I could have accomplished more.

“What skills do you want to develop?”

“I want to make tuna salad like Matthew McConaughey.” Eric says, out of nowhere. Apparently there was a whole thing I missed where he makes unhinged tuna salad with a billion ingredients, although everyone agrees it’s very tasty.

He’s one of the people I admire, even though most people write him off as a generic romcom star. Notice he’s never done franchises or sequels; he hates them. He never wants to do the same movie twice. My early exposure to him was when he played a literally axe-wielding blood knight in the vein of Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, but no one ever watched Reign of Fire so no one knows. Him and Norman Reedus, I aspire to.

Back to the question. What skills do I want to develop? Math skills and computer skills.

“What do you want to let go of for peace and growth?”

Everything. I want to let go of the people who hold me back. I want to let go of the things they told me to make me limit myself. “Not good enough”, “not good for me”, “not what I should want”.

“Word of the year.”

Resolution. As in, I will stand resolute in the face of adversity. I’ll always have my little neuroses and anxiety attacks, but I’ll keep forging forwards anyway.

Maybe one day, I’ll even look back and notice that I’m not scared anymore.