By Lucy

Jan missed dinner Friday night. I guessed, correctly, that he was at the bottom of a bottle. Gary is back but Ethan wasn’t, so we had a quiet dinner. Gary is in good spirits after his week of rest.

I realized, I’ll have to drink the whole bottle of Crown before I move on, cuz I doubt the cops would be happy with me driving around with an open bottle of whisky. Although I could probably leave it with Ethan, but it’s a waste of money.

Unlike Jan, I have no intentions of getting sloshed while I’m here. I just drink a couple of shots neat in the evening, after dinner, to wind down. I wonder what the next place will be like for that; it’s a hostel with a bar, cuz some of the paid jobs on offer are bartending in the evenings and there was a whole section of the employee manual about the employee discount etc.

I am starting to look forward to moving on, and slightly dread it. I’ve gotten to be cozy here. I’ve voiced my thoughts about staying here ’til I leave in March and basically everyone has told me to stop being a chicken, so I won’t.

I hate finding my answers at the bottom of a bottle, but sometimes there isn’t any other way to get out of my head. Once I had a nice head buzz from the whisky, I discovered my stress is that moving on from here means giving up on the Vagabond joining me. Well, it doesn’t, but it feels like it does. And I should stop clinging to the idea. I won’t stop hoping for it, but I shouldn’t let that guide me when there’s no way to change things. I didn’t write it at the time because I had other stuff to write about, but he actually blocked me when I reached out from here, so for everyone saying “he can’t say no if you don’t ask”, I can’t really ask.

While I was feeling warm and fuzzy from the buzz, I ended up watching my old streaming videos. I started off looking for something funny to show Jeremy, but then I was struck by how much I’ve changed. I exclaimed “I was fat!” but of course that’s not true. I’ve technically only lost 10 pounds, although muscle weighs more than fat, so some of that is that’s I’ve gained muscle to match the fat I’ve lost, but I look so much leaner now. I can see why the Vagabond said he can see it in my face, although I’d bet part of that is my attitude as well. I’m hungry now; for life, for experience, for power.

“Who am I?” I asked, touching my sharp cheekbones. I’ve never asked that with confusion before; I was usually the only thing I was sure existed. What did Kevin call it? The Gestalt entity…

---

Canada Post went on strike, which makes me wonder if I should bother sending Christmas cards. Not a lot of the crew from last year went back this year. According to Graham, he did one night shift and then bailed on it because everything is all messed up. Fab and Nunzio came back, which made me spit out my drink cuz Nunzio liked to talk about how he was too good for that kind of work. There were lots of rumors that he was offered a full time job and turned it down. Maybe he’ll be singing a different tune this year. I do miss Fab, although the person I miss most is Graham, which is why he’s the only one I still talk too.

I had an email from Duff asking me how I’m doing, which made me happy. Confusingly, he addressed me as “bud”. For those who missed June’s posts, Duff is a journeyman who usually calls everyone on the jobsite sister or brother. Although he calls me sister with such affection that most people on the jobsite thought we actually were blood relatives, not helped by the fact we have the same eye and hair colour. I do wish he was my actual big brother, cuz he’s been there for me when I really needed it.

I had a slight heart attack when I checked my bank account and noticed my insurance payment was higher than expected. My insurance renews in December, so I’m unsure if it’s some one-time increase because renewal or if my insurance went up for some reason.

Saturday was my day off, which is good cuz I really needed it, since Thursday wasn’t really a free day. My vitals are starting to come back down, although part of that has to be the fact that alcohol is a depressant.

I played games until noon, then I walked down to Glenroy hall, where the little craft show was. There was a woman there selling handmade Christmas cards and I bought some. I’ve decided I’ll send them anyway and they get there when they get there.

I would have sent one to Rich normally and I’m wrestling with whether I should or not. I’d like to hold on to hope that we will repair things, but this message just seemed kind of final. Not to mention patronizing: “I think it’s in your best interest”. Hah, you think for my best interest? Don’t tell me what I want or need, sir. You’re a bloody coward, that’s what it is.

It’s not just our friendship. One quote I like so much it’s been my Steam bio for 10 years is;

Your hopes have become my burden

I will find my own liberation.

Which is what I feel like he is upset about. That he hoped I would do or be something, and he’s disappointed that I’m not. I can’t fight another uphill battle against someone else’s hopes for me. Gods, I am so tired of people’s expectations of me.

Saturday night, the guests wanted dinner and Simo didn’t want to cook two dinners, so we volunteered to fend for ourselves. I just made myself the usual instant noodles.

I slept in Sunday. I am feeling a bit better, winding down with a glass of whisky, and I slept a whole 9 hours and still didn’t want to get out of bed. I texted Jan to do the chickens and we had another dead chicken, for a total of 3 in less than 2 weeks. Maybe he is killing them…

Kelly came by for the last round of weekend madness room changeovers. She confessed that her date last night had been 27 (she’s 42). He lied about his age and then when he told her the truth, she debated kicking him out, but let him stay.

I shrugged. “Age is just a number. My last boyfriend was 65.”

If she was surprised, angry or disgusted, it didn’t show on her face. If anything, she looked relieved that she wasn’t being weird or gross. She showed me pictures of the guy and I showed her pictures of the Vagabond, and then we gossiped about boys for two hours while we changed bed, wiped down bathrooms and vacuumed.

We were done around noon and she asked if me and Jan could come over and finish the fence. Sure, why not? It was a nice sunny day and the fence should be easy to throw together, and then it was over and done with.

Her and Jan got into a tiff. She wanted us to throw it together so quickly we’d be done within an hour, which is impossible. Presumably she didn’t realize how long it would take to chisel out cement and then dig post holes by hand and was hoping to only spend another 80 bucks, but that’s not how this works and is why contractors hate jobs like this. Especially cuz the thing they kept fighting over was that we wanted to cut the 3 posts down to size and she didn’t want us to, which was silly because that wouldn’t save the kind of time she is hoping for.

The thing that ended up being the time sink was 1, we bloody lost the batten screws for putting the rails on, and 2, once we did find them, the bits she got for the impact guns were so cheap they wore down within 10 screws. Or at least, they wore down within 10 screws when Jan was using them. I tried to explain to him about torquing down the impact and he didn’t know what that meant, so that might have been the problem. The railings were also very warped from laying in a wet pile in her garage for who knows how long, and kept fighting us.

I dunno, I think both of them were making much of it for no reason. Yes, it took us longer than it should have, but every contractor in town and even Ethan declined to make the fence for her. Once the fence was up, it looked damn good and was sturdy. Shouldn’t she just be glad she finally had the fence?

“I almost told her no, cuz I had a feeling as soon as I met her she was going to be like this, but I told her I’d do it, for you.” Jan said under his breath.

“Dare I ask what you thought of me?” I say, half-jokingly.

After a long pause, he says “I thought you were alright.”

Alright? Alright?! I think the true answer is that he thought quite highly of me, but the fact I haven’t agreed with his EMF nonsense and occasional anti-woke comments have put him off slightly. C’est la vie.

As we got close to finishing the fence, Kelly took down her improvised fence, which unfortunately unleashed the dogs on us. The youngest decided the fence-building looked like so much fun that it bounded over and jumped on me, leaving scratch marks all down my arms.

Oww!

(They bruised later, too.)

Kelly handed us a handful of bills and mumbled something about being low on cash. She drove Jan to the liquor store, as he had finished his bottle of rum (obviously) and then drove us back home.

I went in to grab the keys for the side by side to reload my firewood, and got asked if I could grab firewood for the house and also bring in the laundry and fold it.

Sure. It’s not like I already did my hours today, went to Kelly’s to do manual labour for a couple hours, and I’d like to shower and relax or something. Grumble grumble.

For dinner we had the kingfish that Gary had caught and brought home, yum yum fresh fish!

Turning over rooms.

Turning over rooms.

Lord, do I hate turning over rooms.

Gary was in a bad mood on Monday, which is unusual for him. He actually snapped at Ethan for wearing his dirty boots into the house, when Gary is quite often guilty of that himself. The reason seems to be that Earl got her teeth into one of the cattle when she was herding them in the morning, as he spent a couple of hours looking for a misplaced shock collar and she had blood all down the white fur on her front.

Me and Jan sat down on the porch of my cabin, taking turns petting her.

“She was beaten at some point.”

“Oh yeah? Gary’s only had her for 2 years, he bought her at an auction.” Kiwis have a strange preference for auctions. Their most popular selling website is also an auction by default.

“Yeah, you can tell from the way she reacts when you hold your hand over her head.” He looked meaningfully at me.

Do I react like a kicked dog? I think of the scar on my lip. It’s one of the first things I see when I look in the mirror. Is it noticeable to everyone else?

I made plans in the afternoon to play Stardew Valley with K, which made me pause and think when we had played together last. In May, when I was on night shift in Dryden. So long ago, and yet also not that long ago. It feels like years have passed since March!

I am deeply bone-tired. I need a few days off. I wonder if I could get away with stringing three days off in a row by burning up the days I am owed for the week after.

For dinner, Simonetta made something I’d never had before, a chicken stew with apricots and peaches. I was expecting it to be disgustingly sweet, but it actually wasn’t very sweet at all. The peaches turned to acid and had a bit of bite, which paired nicely with the salty chicken. It was a rare eureka moment, because I don’t often think of the acid in things like apricots, although I do occasionally use sweet things as a glaze. There’s lots of options for throwing a can of pop and something from the freezer into a slow cooker if you are desperate/ lazy.

Tuesday brought a surprise. Jan got a call back from a cash job that wanted him there the next day. Simonetta had no real argument against him leaving; he showed up last minute and we would be fine with or without him. He’s not going far, just up past Arthur’s Pass, and I might visit him cuz he’s fun in small doses. He actually knocked on my door to tell me he was heading out and said he’ll wake me up to say goodbye in the morning.

I have started planning moving on myself, now that I’ve accepted it must be done. I plan to stay overnight in Twizel – Simo says I should see Lake Tekapo and there’s a hostel there – followed by 2 nights in Dunedin. I was debating if I should loop around to Invercargill, but I’ll be there for the conference so there’s no point in visiting twice. Plus, both Dunedin and Invercargill are a 3 hour drive from where I will be staying next, so I can always do a day trip there, or possibly an overnight trip. I was telling her this while we folded the last bit of sheets from the weekend rush.

“I’m going to miss you.” She said.

“You are?”

‘Yes, you miss people you’ve grown fond of. You’ve been here so long you’re practically part of the furniture.” She said teasingly. “No, but seriously. You’ve been very helpful and you listen to me vent.”

“I did debate staying longer.” I confessed.

“No no, you go out and should explore!” She exclaimed.

For dinner, she made chowder. When I went into the kitchen to see if she needed a hand, she said with a wink. “I made your favourite! And an extra bowl for your lunch tomorrow.” Pointing to a sixth bowl on the counter.

I know she’d miss me, obviously, but it’s nice to hear it. I think, because of my childhood, I still have a ways to go before hearing that someone misses me stops being surprising.

On the other hand, I’m not sure what to do with my own feelings of missing people. I wasn’t really worried about missing people in Canada, cuz I always knew I’d be back. But will I ever be back in New Zealand? I expected to make friends here and miss them in a way, but I do have a deep sadness at the idea of never seeing Simo and Gary again that I need to learn how to process. I’m bolstered by the idea that I can come back in February/ March for a bit, but then it might be goodbye forever.

It’s not helped that I recently got an email from a good friend who’s north of 70 about a recent health scare. That’s the other problem with having mature friends… they get sick and die sooner. It’s strange that for so long, I had never known anyone who dies, and sooner rather than later, death will be a dear friend as well.

On Wednesday, I said goodbye to Jan. We lingered awkwardly over the hug, something unsaid floating in the air. I already know from the Vagabond’s travels that there aren’t a lot of girls like me out there, but Jan hasn’t vocalized that.

We have a showing scheduled for Thursday, and I was left by myself to turn over rooms, sweep and wipe down the windows, and attack the cobwebs.

The guests showed up early. They had quite a few questions for me about the surrounding area, and I was quite pleased with myself that I could answer them easily.

“You’re not from around here!” He noted.

“Nope, I’m Canadian. Whereabouts in England are you from?” I asked.

“Kent!”

Of course.

When I got back to my cabin to relax, I got an email saying Simo had left me a review. I had to write a review for staying here because as far as the website is concerned, my stay ended on the 16th and I’ve moved on. I’m not good at writing reviews, blog notwithstanding. It’s a different kind of writing. But I gave her 5 stars and wrote that it’s lovely here, for however long staying here is still an option. She wrote;

“Lucy is a great person to have around, she is hardworking, efficient, polite, a quick learner, sociable, respects others and their privacy. She is great listener and companion. We shall miss her and would love to have her back again!”

Underneath, it said private note: “Come back!”

We had a hilariously rude guest. They got booked thru an agent, so they weren’t quite sure what they were getting, but the email they sent cancelling it was absolutely out to lunch. They showed up for all of 15 minutes, then left quietly and had their agent call Simo to cancel. They didn’t like the lodge because it had a gravel road (the horror), there were 3 living flies in the room, and they didn’t like the fact they didn’t have the entire building to themselves. Additionally, they told Simo to her face that they didn’t like that she was Italian, but then they were Mormons’ from Salt Lake City, so they were probably being some combination of racist.

“It’s not the Italian, it’s the Catholic.” I said, half-jokingly. There probably was some distaste for “wops” in there as well.

“My kids are baptized Anglican!” She laughed.

Yeah, but they don’t know that. That’s the danger of judging a book by its cover.

I was unhappy when I woke up to rain on Thursday. Of course, we had two straight weeks of hot, dry, sunny weather and I didn’t go out on my bike even once. Now I have a day off and places to be, it’s threatening to snow!

It stopped before I finished breakfast, but bands of clouds were moving across the sky all morning. The sky here reminds me of the sky in Regina, living and constantly shifting. At 9 I texted Simo and asked if I had to feed the chickens.

“If you could, no rush.”

No rush by her, but the chickens are always impatient for breakfast. I’ve even had them use their little raptor feet to climb my body and bite my fingers! Of course, I could say no, but I didn’t feel like it was the end of the world. What’s 20 minutes out of my day? It wouldn’t even be that long if the chickens would stop standing in my way!

At 11, I went into the house to grab a snack. I had an reservation for the hot pools at 1, and I definitely wanted to eat before I headed out. Yes they have a swim-up bar there, but that’s liable to be quite expensive when the food here is free. The boys were having tea and turned to look at me, having just thrown pants on and a hoodie over my pajama top.

“Look who just rolled out of bed.” Gary said.

Before I could come up with a witty retort, Simo exclaimed, “She did not! She fed the chickens for me this morning!”

I smiled. “Thanks Simo.”

“Us women got to stick up for each other!” She said, shaking a fist triumphantly.

Before it was time to head out, I asked Simo if there was anywhere in Methven that might sell a computer mouse. The little one Andrej gifted me is absolutely, finally dead. Luckily for me, Simonetta had just ordered a new mouse and keyboard, but she only needed the keyboard because some of the keys died. It was just a basic, cheap Logitech model, but it works just fine for me!

It never warmed up, but I was dismayed that as I got ready to head out, it started raining again. Of course, it had been calling for rain all morning, but it only starts before I leave. Do I leave now before it gets worse, or hang out a minute and hope that it stops?

Leave now.

It has been over two weeks since I turned the bike on, hasn’t it? I’ve got my fitness up to the point that I can do 40 sit ups, and handling the bike feels different. Like I grew an inch and everything is slightly off.

Brr! I was on the road for less than 10 minutes when I started losing feeling in my fingers. It wasn’t even really raining proper yet, but you could see it coming. From where we are, you can see the Rakaia river (or really, just the band of trees on the shore, but still) winding into the mountains from Lake Coleridge. Quite often you can watch a rain cloud pouring out of the mountains and following the river to the ocean, without drifting north towards us. As I wound my way towards the bridge over the river, I could see the rain crawling down from Lake Coleridge.

I had just crossed the bridge when it hit, and fortunately it was not long before I could turn west and be out of it again.

Opuke is the first thing you come to when you enter Methven, which is good. For the first time I pulled into the parking lot, past the rows of solar panels, and ran inside before the rain could catch up.

Opuke has two options, “Tranquility” and “Discovery”. If you purchase tickets to Tranquility, you can still wander over to the Discovery side for a looksee. The only real difference between them is that the Tranquility side has a swim-up bar and is 18+, and the Discovery side has pool noodles, water guns and screaming children.

It reminded me a lot of Vetta, the Nordic spa near Barrie. For some reason they were playing a plaintive, acoustic version of “Living on a Prayer” that I barely recognized. You get a wristband with RFID that lets you into your locker, a robe and a towel.

Now, I had made a token effort to shave my legs. Basically every option to depilate your skin is expensive and not worth it when I’m wearing full length pants all the time cuz it’s cold, and also I don’t care. But I bought a pack of 2$ razors to shave my pits for my own comfort, so I decided to take off the most obvious black hair on my calves, so peoples’ heads didn’t whip around to stare.

That’s where all this Conservative hysteria about non-binary people falls on its face for me. Cuz they always have this mental image of a trans woman with 5 o’clock shadow preying on little girls, but I consider myself non-binary and you couldn’t make me sound threatening. I always put off bra shopping because I feel intensely uncomfortable in the women’s section, waiting for someone to tell me I don’t belong there, and I was born and raised a female! I hate women’s changerooms for the same reason. Basically everyone my age in the changeroom was made up and perfectly hairless, strutting around in a tiny weeny little bikini, while I had on a proper one-piece swim suit and shrugged into the free robe as fast as possible to hide my hairy thighs.

Well, whatever. I was absolutely freezing from the ride. My fingers had pins and needles and the front of my legs were red with windburn. I quickly showered and went out to the pool.

Now, I will say I prefer Vetta. Vetta requires you wear something on your feet, and they have a lot of different options, from a steam room to a wood sauna. They have a large cold plunge pool (which is probably nice in the summer, I always go in the fall), and a variety of relaxation spots, from warm pools to rooms with recliners and woodstoves and even a hot stone room.

Opuke has a large heated pool (geothermal and solar heated, but not a sulfur/ mineral pool), and a small cold plunge tub, and that’s it. Everyone walks around with bare feet and it’s probably an excellent breeding ground for athlete’s foot.

Not that I was complaining when I got there. When you first come out of the glass doors, you are greeted by the large pool, letting off great clouds of steam as the dark clouds hung over the snow-capped mountains in the distance.

I took off my robe and shoved it into the numbered cubby on the wall, and took off as fast as I dared into the water. Then I had to pause for a moment, because the circulation ran back into my cold legs and numb hands and it hurt like a S.O.B! The wind picked up and I shrank into the water. I prefer the pain from the heat to the pain from the cold.

I found a corner and sank down into the water up to my chin and sat there for 15 minutes, until I could feel my limbs again and my heart rate calmed down. I noticed almost everyone else there was a couple, which made me feel even more lonely. I also noticed a few glances, but my hairy legs were hidden beneath the water – what was drawing their attention?

Oh right, I have a giant tattoo on my decolletage now.

I watched enviously as people ordered cocktails and boutique lunches from the swim-up bar and chatted with their companions. I was here for the health benefits, but I’d love to have the kind of disposable income to spend on a swim-up bar.

A band of cold rain swept down from the mountains and over the pool, but they have several large umbrellas opened over the pool so we could watch the rain fall in comfort. It did kick up the steam clouds something fierce.

Once the rain settled and the sun came out, I went for a swim. The pool is designed so that it is more of a set of small, sheltered nooks, connected by a lazy river. There is a section that is “underground”, with LED “twinkling stars” set in the ceiling. The cold plunge pool is 10-14 degrees, which ironically means it was still warmer than the air around us.

I wanted something like a hot tub, somewhere to lounge, maybe with a jet on my sore back muscles. Sadly there isn’t a lot of those at Opuke either, most square benches cut into the fake stone walls. The water was pretty deep – in some spots, I had to swim because I couldn’t reach the ground on tippy toes. Not that I wanted to complain, it was delightful to swim. The place in Glenorchy is on the shore of a lake and I look forward to being able to knock off work and jump into an alpine lake, but I was here to relax, not to work out more! It really is designed for people to grab a cocktail and gab with friends.

I did finally find a place, in the starlit cave. There’s a small cove where the water is only 2 feet deep and the wall is shallower, so you can lay down as if you are lounging in a tub. Couples tend to canoodle in the cave, but I just sank deeper into the water until it stopped up my ears. Aaaaaaaaaaah, this is what I wanted!

When I was feeling a little more settled, I did some basic stretches to ease my sore muscles. After about an hour, I wandered around a bit. I had booked a 2 hour time slot, but I left 15 minutes early, so I wouldn’t have to wait in line for the hair dryer or the bathing suit dryer.

It was a nice, sunny ride home. Still cold though.

When I got home, the carpet layer had been and left, so the room that was under renovation is officially done and looks pretty nice!

I already view 2024 as over, because I won’t be back in Canada ’til 2025. This is some weird interquel, some year between years, that doesn’t count.

Who I am becoming? What makes someone develop the way they do? This is me, and yet I’m starting to be surprised by the ways I’ve changed.

Despite saying Hazbin Hotel was too crude for me, I mentioned it to Kevin and he binged the whole series in one day (not hard to do, it is only 8 episodes, 20 minutes each). Which inspired me to do the same, although I was quickly reminded why I didn’t want to watch it. Too much like real life. Episode 2 is my favourite, cuz it features a lot of Alastor being awesome! Episode 4 is the only one with a content warning, which it very much earned, and I skipped large chunks of it.

Despite skipping it, I’ve ended up listening to Angel’s two songs, Addict and Poison, on repeat.

Ugh, I hate the Vees. They’re not terribly interesting as villains. Valentino is your standard card-carrying villain, a pimp who abuses his employees. Velvette is your standard roguish Cockney punk, but Hobie did it so much better! And Vox is just “hates Alastor because TV vs Radio”.

The other song I really like is “Loser, Baby”, Husk and Angels’ duet. It’s exactly the kind of song me and Rich would write and sing together. Yeah, we’re both “losers”, but we got each other!

Or, at least, we did.